What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 05:59
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I waited trembling.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I said to her
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why is there so much hate against black people?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
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But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She loved him until the end.
I was scared of men, in general
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
What did i know ?
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My life is so biszare .
My family never makes their pension either.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Do you think the number of sissies is on the rise?
But it wasn’t much.
And i lived it daily.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Which brand is the best home slippers in the Middle East?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why is there so much evil in the world?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Put me off passion for life!!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
This is soul school!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was seconnd youngest,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I will be 64.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So, i spoilt her more .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Especially a lifetime of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Comes on , in middle age.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She found it foreign!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We all went to grammer schools
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
It was going to be , some day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im still living with it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Ive learnt so much.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She married twice! .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She was in good health!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
She wouldn,t have been !
We were not on the streets..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I never cut or harmed myself..
All the time i was locked up.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But, we were locked up after school.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I have no regrets .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One cannot live in the past .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Who then, do I blame.?
When she asked me how she looked .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was very sick at this time too.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I think the readers, may guess!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Would this be the day?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I write beautiful poetry .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So whats the point in blame.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was 9 years of age.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He knew the spot.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Was to survive, this bastard.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I don,t even have a pension.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..